Monday, September 30, 2013

How do I, say goodbye?

The time has come to say goodbye.  I've been mulling this over for a while and today it just all became very clear that I have to step away from this blog and step away from the world of the online for a bit.  If you follow and have been following for a long time then thank you so much for coming around and I'm sorry this is goodbye.

Here's the deal.  Life is rough and I don't want to just sit on here and post about the rough shit.  I'm having a hard time with my son.  I thought parenting would be so easy, but it's not.  I'm the mom who yells and that weighs heavy on me.  I didn't get a laid back child.  I did however get a child that I love tremendously.  To come on here and just post the fun we have would not be real and so I think I'd rather just not write about it at all.  I don't want him coming on here in 10+ years and questioning what I wrote about him.  I love him too much for that.

In less than a year 3 family members have passed away.  I've lived much of my life without having to deal with that kind of thing and as it turns out...I'm not good at it.  I'm having a hard time with it.  On top of that my step father is dying of cancer.  Most of you don't know him, don't know any history of him and you don't need to.  My Mom does and I don't write about things on here so I don't hurt her feelings.  He has been in my life for 30 years and on many different levels this is hard to deal with.

Today my car overheated and I know this means that it's done.  It's at the shop, but the chance of it getting fixed are slim to none.  Sadly the chance of buying another car is just about the same.  I posted a pic and it was brought to my attention that some may take the picture the wrong way.  It is so silly, but that was the icing on my cake.  Why?  Well, the same people that might judge me for that picture are people that would hate for people to judge them without knowing all the facts.  No matter what our situation is, we all need to be careful about how much judging we do of people.

You see, that is what this whole online thing is anyway right?  It's a place to share and a place to sit back and judge other people.  We might do it quietly, we might do it "publicly" by making mean comments anonymously.  We find people we like online, people who we think are the same as us but sadly...we really don't even know each other.  I dare say that it has made things distant between the actual people that might know me.  It has given everyone a window into my life so why come knock on the door and say hello and see what I'm doing when you can just peek inside.  That is my own fault.

So, I need a break.  I need to clear my head.  Instead of to you, I'm going to create a journal and do some good old fashioned pen writing to myself like I used to.  I'll be taking a blog break and taking a Facebook break.  I will however still post on Instagram.  I like pictures, Instagram still makes me happy.

I'm sure some of us will find a way to keep in touch.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Why you gotta be so far?

When I was younger I wanted nothing more than to live somewhere else.  At 20 years old I packed up and moved away to Boston and a year later came back.  I loved it there, but had reasons to come home and then met my husband.

Long long before that, my Grandmother retired and sold her home in Napa and traveled the US with my Grandfather.  They ended up settling in a small town in Texas, which is where my Grandma lives currently.

Ten years ago my Mom retired and she and my Step Dad moved to Florida.  I remember being really excited for her and at the same time saying, "you know this isn't going to be so fun when I have kids."

Guess what?  This shit isn't fun.  I don't have family here for the most part.  I don't have a support system to rely on like that.  I think it's worse knowing that there is support out is just SO FAR OUT THERE.  Also, everyone is getting older.  My Grandma just had another stint in the hospital at the same time that my Step Dad had a stint in the hospital.  I couldn't just hop in the car and drive to help either of them out.

My Mom is stressed out.  I think a good portion of this has to do with the fact that my Mom is dealing with this alone.  If she were here, I could help her.  If my Grandma were here, she could support her.  Instead we are all spread out and spend our time getting updates on phones and laptops.

My mission, get them back here.  They both have reasons why they can't come back this instant, but when the opportunity is a little more viable there is nothing that will stop me from making them return.  As I have gotten older and had a child I have realized how important it is to have support from family.  I know that as Leyton grows older he may decide to move to various places and you know what?  I'm going to follow him.  I don't need to live with him but I don't ever want to be so far away either that he carries that burden on his shoulders should something go wrong.

I have a good Mommy, I have a good Grandma.  I miss them both.

Yesterday this song popped into my head.  I realized last night I was humming it ALL DAY.  I couldn't figure out where I would have picked it up.  I went online last night to listen to it so I could see if I was reminded.  Did I hear it in a commercial?  In a movie or a show?

After listening I realized it is none of the above.  I just spoke about music being powerful.  How a single song can speak to you and capture an emotion or event so perfectly you feel as if it was written just for you.  This song was written before I was born and yet right now I feel like it is the story of my life.  I think my subconscious pulled this song from the archives of my mind because it knew it was perfect.  I watched the video last night and cried.

Holding you again could only do me good.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Chutes and Ladders

I know I've said it before, but being healthy for me is sometimes like being on a giant slide....or better yet a game of Chutes and Ladders.  I climb up, I slide down, I climb up, I slide down.  I have been playing this damn game for YEARS and I'm not over yet.

Lately I've been "taking a break." Well, that's what I would tell myself.  I just don't want to worry about it, think about it, etc. etc.  The thing is I can't really do that, not yet.  I have too many issues with food to just take a little break.  Issues being food addictions.  I don't know how to just have a little of this or a little of that.  I have it and I want more and I'm going to keep having more.

Thankfully what I have learned is to not keep that up for very long.  I've been feeling pretty awful lately, but not taking care of myself to make myself feel better.  I mean, come on, it's just a little break AND I'm still working out like a fiend right?  Nope.  I was sick last week and then hurt something in my back and my activity level came to a screeching hault.  Plus, relying on the activity is not going to get me anywhere.  I will just be fit and fat.  Diet is everything...EVERYTHING.  If I'm not eating right I'm not going to feel better, look better, etc no matter how many squats I do in the gym.  Just means I'm squatting more weight.

Today I left for lunch and was headed to a Mexican place that I love.  I was daydreaming about chips and salsa and enchiladas.  As I was driving though I made a choice.  I chose to turn towards The Green Boheme instead and have a healthy alive lunch...not a dead sad one.

It was all I needed.  Thank you The Green Boheme for reminding me what GOOD food tastes like and getting me back on the ladder!!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Check that off the bucket list.....

To say that I love music would be an understatement.  It's a part of my life.  It has been a part of my life since I was a child.  Let me give you some facts about me.

1.  I started singing songs before I could talk.
2.  I wanted to name my first dog Barry Manilow (settled on the name Muffy since she was a she).
3.  I had a record collection by the time I reached 5 years old and my records were EVERYTHING.
4.  I once traded a favorite toy for an Air Supply album, pre 5 years old.
5.  I thought I would marry Eddie Rabbit.
6.  I was pretty certain at one point I was Annie.
7.  When driving in a car I would sing along with the radio out the back window thinking that if someone was listening to the same station and saw me they would think I was singing the song.
8.  I know the song lyrics to pretty much every song I've ever heard in my life...even the dumb ones I wish I could forget.

Seriously, this list could go on and on and on.  I have a broad style of music that I love, but I love nothing more than someone that writes their own songs and can play an instrument.  Although, I'm sorry Taylor Swift...I won't ever like you...never ever ever ever ever.

The first artist that I completely became enthralled with was Tori Amos.  I thought her music was beautiful, her piano playing haunting and powerful and her lyrics painful and comforting at the same time.  I saw her many times and will always be a fan of those early albums and B sides.  It took a LONG TIME for another artist to grab me like she did and then suddenly there he was...Ray LaMontagne.  I had never heard a voice like his or lyrics that could grab my heart like his could.  When I saw him live for the first time he didn't speak and barely opened his eyes but for me it was love at first site/sound.  Around this same time I also discovered Damien Rice.  Together those two men were like peanut butter and jelly for me.  In fact they once recorded a song together and I just about died.

Then it went quiet.  I would hear songs I'd like, but listen to an album and be disappointed.  There was music out there, there was stuff I loved but there was no one that could move me with their words.  The sound of a musician is important but I have learned that for me it has more to do with what they are writing on the page.  I can get lost in the beauty of lyrics.

Finally, the silence was broken.  I was sent a song from my niece, who is my insider to new artists, and the minute I heard that song I knew I was listening to magic.  I immediately went and listened to the whole album and by the end I was enthralled.  The Lone Bellow was everything that was missing musically for me.  Their sound was captivating, their harmonies were inviting and listening to the lyrics was like finding a religion.  They spoke to me and had meaning on so many levels.  I knew I wanted to know more about them and knew that I had to see them live.  Lucky for me they were playing at Stagecoach Festival, which I already had tickets for.  I was not disappointed, seeing them live was even more spectacular than I could imagine.

I found myself really latching onto a couple lyrics and started throwing around the idea of getting a tattoo.  There were two that I really liked, but one just didn't feel right.  It was something I felt like I wouldn't want to explain later why it meant so much to me.  The other was perfect, but I couldn't figure out how to do it right.  Then I found an image of a tree and it all came together like a puzzle.  The lyric is from a song called "Tree to Grow" and it says "a tree I grow to let you know, my love is older than my soul."  When I heard that lyric and that song all I could think of was my husband Bill.  We have been together 15 years this month and for me I feel like I have always been with him.  I feel like I have loved him my whole life and beyond that.  I decided to celebrate our 15 year anniversary with something permanent to solidify how much I cherish him.  The end result was more than I could have ever hoped for.

After having this done I shared it with the band online and received a message back.  I was so excited that they had seen it and that they perhaps knew how important what they are doing is.  Yes, they just make music but for me music is so very powerful.

Last night I was lucky enough to see The Lone Bellow again.

They are on tour and came to Sacramento.  I was able to show the band members the tattoo and I hope in some way was able to show them how much their songs mean to me.  Although I must admit, when I'm standing there talking to them I feel like a fool and for someone that likes words I sure do get tongue tied!!

They were a couple songs into their set and about to start their next song when Zach, the lead singer, announced that there was someone special in the audience who used some song lyrics to celebrate her 15 year anniversary and here was my song.  I cried.  I stood there singing along and crying in the middle of a crowded dance floor.  This is the second time in my life that an artist that I love has sung something and dedicated it to me.  To say that this is marking off a bucket list item doesn't even seem to do it justice.  I captured a little video during the end of the song, you'll have to forgive my voice at the end, but they wanted us to sing along and I was going to do JUST THAT.

Thank you The Lone Bellow for putting such beauty out there in the world and letting people hear it and be moved by it.  I can't wait to hear and see you again.