Friday, March 29, 2013

Age is just a number.

This is something I have lived by.  I'm 37 years old.  Do I sometimes feel old, hell yes.  Especially when I'm looking at Zac Efron.

In those moments I feel like an old old dirty lady.  That's not what I'm here to talk about though.  With regards to age, it just doesn't bother me.  I've never stressed over a birthday, I've never worried about a passing year.  Instead I just think, "awesome, I made it another year!"

Why can't it be the same with weight?  Why can't weight be just a number?  Something that I don't think about all the time or slightly obsess over.

When I first started doing diets in my life I did Weight Watchers.  I am thankful that they at least taught me to weight myself once a week.  It's something that whenever I am dieting I still stick to.  No daily, no every other day.  Once a week.  Same day, same time, once a week.

Talking to Scott yesterday it was interesting to hear him say that he doesn't even pay attention to weight.  He doesn't count calories and doesn't advocate for people to watch that number.  He wants people to choose a clean and healthy active lifestyle and those other things will just fall into place on their own.  I walked away wondering if I could just focus on clean and healthy and not think about how much I weigh, how much I might be gaining or losing.

After our talk I went into the locker room to get ready.  While in there I watched two different VERY skinny girls....literally scary skinny girls go over to the scale to weigh themselves.  I can't tell you what they weighed, but I can tell you that it was at or under just 100lbs.  These were women in their late twenties to early thirties who were skeletal skinny and they were STILL worried about that number.

I have to be honest, it scared the shit out of me.  In that moment I thought I might not ever weigh myself again.  I don't want to get to a point where I am feeling great when I wake up, feeling great when I work out, feeling great in my clothes and feeling great all around and still be standing on a scale to make sure I am still measuring up.

Never weighing myself seems so scary though, so I'm going to take it slowly.  I'm going to try to weigh myself every other week with the hope that I will eventually cut back to once a month and eventually not really need to weight myself much at all.  Now with Weight Watchers that is tough, but I think I'll just weigh and not have them tell me.

How about you?  Do you weight yourself frequently?  Could you imagine never weighing in to see what the scales tell you?

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Self Love

Today I met up with Scott to talk about the slippery slide that is my relationship with food.  I sat and absorbed so much of what that man said and left feeling inspired and in a way, feeling good about myself.  That is a huge part of all this, and I felt my eyes open to that.  I'm an emotional eater, I know this.  I get sad, I get nervous, I get stressed and I eat to feel better.  Only I don't feel better, I feel worse.  Then I eat to feel better again.  For that moment I am eating it is a high, but the high is short lived and I just keep putting away the food to try to get more high.  As I've said before, it's part of the addiction factor.

Then there is another aspect.  I posted this photo on Instagram a couple days ago.

I had done some healthy shopping and made a healthy meal and was proud of it.  It was delicious.  I said this with my photo:  "I know how to do this, why don't I do it all the time?  #lifesgreatmystery #healthyeating"

Scott came back with this:  "Healthy eating is a choice just as unhealthy eating is, same energy.  One requires more self love and a higher value meter #progressnotperfection."

We talked more about this today, and here I am to tell you how true this is.

I don't love myself enough to eat healthy.  Through the years I got so far off track from healthy that the shell that I am currently living in is who I think I am, and I don't love that shell at all.  That shell is fat and to me that shell is ugly and not worthy of things.  You see, you say these things to yourself enough..maybe not directly but that damn little voice in your head does and pretty soon it's not just the shell that you have damaged.  You have damaged your soul.  You have damaged your love for yourself.

That shell is not who I am though, it's just the outside.  Sadly, beating myself up for what I look like on the outside has given me this skewed view that I'm not good enough/worthy enough.  Inside I know there is so much good and it makes me cry just to write that.  I have beaten up and damaged what is inside and I have to figure out to love myself again so I can fix it.  If I can fix what is inside, then what is outside is going to follow right along.

Eating healthy is a choice, and I just need to love myself enough to do it.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Hello healthy, my old friend.....

Yes, I know I told you I was starting Weight Watchers and of course that means that we shouldn't have to talk about me getting healthy AGAIN but we are and so there. I mean do you know what season it is? It's Easter. Do you know what I have a terrible terrible addiction to? These...


I once tried to figure out why I have to eat two of these at a time, which is typically almost every day. I think because waaaaaay back when I was a child of the 80's I pretty much was the pickiest candy eater ever. I liked gummies and hated chocolate. However, I really hated all candy related to Easter. Jellybeans? blech. Peeps? blech. Chocolate eggs? blech. The list went on and on. The only Easter candy I did like were those damn Reese's eggs. I loved them and you could ONLY get them once a year right around Easter. This was also back when we didn't start seeing Easter items until about two weeks before.

 So, when these things were out you stock piled and you ate them because in a couple days they would be gone and you would not see them again for a year. Problem, they now come out for EVERY DAMN HOLIDAY. Screw you Reese's trees, pumpkins, hearts, etc.

 Anyway, I digress. While I did join WW and I did lose 1.7lbs last week I also did eat a copious amount of Reese's trees. Add to that a copious (for me anyway) amount of booze and what that all adds up to is: NOT HEALTHY Also, while I am doing WW I also know that I cannot eat everything I want in moderation. I wanted to find something to motivate me again to go more of a whole food eating. I wanted to get back on smoothies in the morning for breakfast and a lot of veggies throughout the day. I also needed to AVOID sugar. It is my weakness, but in weird ways which we will have to talk about another time.

 In walked Lauren. Lauren is a rep for Arbonne. I have heard of it for quite some time and was ready to give it a shot. I have known for a couple weeks that I was going to incorporate this into WW, but I was giving myself time to order the product, learn the program and get groceries. Yesterday was the start day. Here's the thing, it's VERY similar to the things I have done in the past few months, it's just a different brand. I'm doing their 30 day program which basically consists of me having a shake for breakfast, a lunch full of veggies with some protein and carbs and a dinner full of veggies and some protein. I'm avoiding dairy, sugar, gluten, coffee and alcohol. The nice thing is right now I'm not detoxing like I have in the past which is NICE. I take that as a good sign that while I got off track I wasn't off so long that my body completely lost it's way. Instead my body is happy, it's like hey...this is awesome...now let's just STAY ON THIS DAMN TRACK WOMAN.

Tomorrow I'm also meeting one on one with Scott, who I would really consider my life coach at this point. He's the man that got this all started for me in the beginning and I can't tell you what it means to me to have him pop in still and say, "What are you doing? You keep Instagraming booze!" Not in those words exactly, but he's paying attention and reaching out when he knows I need help because I obviously have a hard time reaching out myself. Not only are we going to chat but we are going to work out and lord help me, I hope I am alive after it.

 So, here I am on the track again and remembering how good healthy feels.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Weekend Recap

Follow my blog with Bloglovin When I started the new blog I was sooo excited to do a Monday weekend recap.  Ummm, I've done one.  Oh well, onward we go.

This weekend was FULL.  On Saturday we headed out to Davis in the morning so I could go to WW (down 1.7lbs) and I could bike shop.  Since Leyton is biking now and Bill is long boarding, this Mama needed to keep up.  I haven't had a bike since 2008 when I thought I might never bike or walk again.  I'm so excited to have a bike again and see a lot of biking in my summer.  Oh, and I promise I wear a helmet, it was new and I couldn't get it adjusted right so it's in the basket in this picture.

Saturday evening we celebrated a friend who finished up another degree with a night out at Luca.  We saw a lot of people we haven't seen in a long time and I may have had some five sangria.  It was fun to get together and the dinner was delicious.  The husband and I got forced (him more than me) into a kissing photo.  He is not a fan of the picture and made sure to show it in his face.  I can assure you he really does love me, I mean it's written all over his face!

Sunday Leyton and I headed out for a Mommy/Son day.  We had a bunch of errands to run so we put on our shades and hit the road. 

I took him out to Lincoln to visit with my Dad.  I started thinking about my comments on Leyton not having a Grandpa and decided SHIT...I need to stop all this complaining.  My Dad may not ever win "Worlds Greatest Grandpa" but damn it he is still ALIVE and while I may have to make the effort to see him he is such a fun man that I know Leyton will love.

I mean he gets to drive around on a golf cart with him!  

My Dad wasn't ever a real Dad to me most of the time but damn it if I don't love the man and recognize that he can be one of the funnest guys on the earth and can easily put a smile on your face.  I'm going to make sure we have more Grandpa Bruce outings in the future.

After our visit we headed to the Fountains to visit Becki at West Elm and see if the train was running.  Sadly it was not and sadly I had a crazy kid that hadn't napped yet so it wasn't the greatest trip ever.  I spent the whole time in West Elm wanting to buy everything in the store and wanting to not buy things just because we broke them.  We made it out unscathed but also empty handed.

Leyton has definitely entered into a heavy stage of wants.  It's a fine line because I do find myself caving a lot just in hopes that it will keep him quiet.  It's not always buying things either.  At home he can jump from wanting one thing to the next and within 5 minutes has given me about 20 things he wants.  It drives me batty, but I'm really trying to work on him realizing that he can't have everything he wants.

Overall, great weekend but this mama is EXHAUSTED.  Is it Friday yet?  I mean because next weekend guess what?  Full plate!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I'm successful!

It's been a while since I've done any sort of writing about my health and weight loss mission, in fact I'm not sure I've even written much about it on the new blog.  Probably because I have been in a rut.

Here's the deal, I am super successful at losing 30lbs.  Problem is, it's the same 30 lbs.  I have lost the same 30lbs so much I have essentially lost the equivalent of a whole village.  Something happens though once I hit that 30lbs.  It doesn't matter how long it takes me, it's not about the time frame, it's about the number.  Do I get bored?  Do I get over confident?  Do I cheat once and then slide down the slide until I hit the bottom?

I'm not sure the answer to those questions yet, but may have a bit of insight after yesterday.

Last Saturday I joined WW....again.  I needed a buddy, someone to travel on this journey with and I just so happen to have a buddy who is doing WW right now so it seemed like good timing.  Now, that said...I am still trying to lead a more whole food/plant based lifestyle.  When I'm being conscious and good that is.  I thought perhaps if I did the two together it would be the perfect fit and might help me when I'm not being so good to still have a plan to stick to.

Last night though something happened.  Something that has happened a TON.  I was good for breakfast, I was good for lunch.  As I sat there at my desk, knee hurting, I realized I didn't want to cook or think about food.  So, I told the hubby we should go out to dinner.  We were trying somewhere new and I looked at the menu and figured out that I could make it work.  I would likely go over my points for the day and could just use what extra points I had left for the week.

On my way home I stopped at Nugget to pick up a couple items and while I was there I picked up two Reeses Eggs.  I ate them in the car on the way home.  I didn't think about their points.  I didn't think about how these two items were going to completely throw me off for the week allowance.  Instead, this little cunt on my shoulder was saying "Go ahead, you're going to splurge tonight anyway so it won't matter."

Who the fuck is this?  It was then that I realized this voice is who is sabotaging things for me.  Now, I'm not crazy, I know it's my own damn voice.  The problem is that this voice comes on and I don't even seem to think about it.  It's like I'm in a trance and just go with whatever she says.  I have a feeling it's this same voice that pushes me down the slide right about at 30lbs.  I have to figure out how to muffle that bitch.

Knowing that was happening though was key because instead of what I normally would have done, which is figure I blew it so why not blow it the rest of the week, I jumped right back on it today.  For now I have a gag shoved in this voices mouth and will do whatever I can to keep it there.

Anyone else out there have a voice like this that likes to sabotage you?  Should I call the shrink now or wait for your answer?

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

It's the little things....

I've been with my husband for almost 15 years.  I was just 22 years old when we started dating, a complete baby.  I'm happy to say that after that amount of time I still love this man with all of my heart and soul.  Sure, there are times I want to kill him and I'm sure he wants to kill me too.  The thing is, if I killed him, I'd just miss him too damn much.  That's true love right?  Finding the person you just couldn't possibly kill live without?

I will say though there are times when we fall into the same old same old routine.  We lose a little spice and have to find it again.  We get stagnant in our love for each other.  It may seem like a childish girly notion but I want to be sure that I fall in love with Bill over and over again.  So, to do this I make sure to focus on the little things.  I don't look for them, they just happen.  It's that old cliche about how important the little things are.

A couple weeks ago my husband got a long board.  When he said he wanted one I was a little freaked.  We aren't spring chickens anymore and I just had images of him falling off the thing and hurting himself.  I hadn't even heard him mention that he had EVER skateboarded so it seemed a little crazy.  A forty something on a skateboard?  Is there going to be a Porsche next?

Most days now that the weather is nice my husband heads out the door on his long board carrying Leyton's Strider bike and helmet.  He picks Leyton up at daycare and they bike/skate home together.

In that moment, I feel in love with him all over again.  Plus, Leyton thinks he has a pretty cool daddy.


Monday, March 18, 2013

Donations accepted!

Tonight the husband brought something to my attention.  If you go to Google, and search "Spaz Nugget" the first two pictures are:


You can go ahead and make donations for the therapy this kid is going to need directly to my Paypal account.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

A big boy!

I know that I put stuff off for a while with Leyton.  Since he isn't always the "easiest" I wait for as long as possible to climb through milestones.  Not that I feel like I'm holding him back, but I'm just not always pushing him forward.  Potty training for example has been completely on his terms.  In some ways I think this is good.  I'm not forcing him to do it if he doesn't want to BUT HOLY GOODNESS would I love to not have to buy diapers.  Let's me honest though, diapers are easy.  I throw them on and who cares if he pees because aside from busting out a wipe I never have to clean up any big messes.  He occasionally asks to use the toilet and I encourage it when he does, but I'm also not suggesting it.

The crib is another example.  He will be three in May and was still in a crib.  Again, not the end of the world but man I wanted that crib out of his room.  When we moved we put a twin bed in the room and I just had images of this big boy room with a big boy bed, no crib included.  The crib was easy though.  I could put him in and he couldn't get out.  Well, he could but thankfully never tried.  It essentially was like crate training a dog and the thought of allowing him to have more space frightened me.  It was time though.

So, to make things easier (I hoped) I did two things.  I put light switch covers over the lights in his room so he couldn't turn them on and off.  I also put a gate up at the door.  Basically at bedtime lights would get turned off and I would by no means make him stay in the bed.  If he was going to get up and play though it would be in his room and with the light of a night light.  I know the gate would mean not "teaching" him to stay in his room and instead forcing him but a mom has to do what a mom has to do and I just feel like I can't teach him everything at once!

We started the big boy bed on Saturday and so far so good!  He loves it!  While we have had a night or two that he likes to get up and then wants us to tuck him back in, once we do tuck back in he is fine.  I imagined screaming fits at the gate, all night play sessions in his room.  For once it has gone way better than I expected.  The first attempt was at nap and immediately after me leaving the room he climbed out of bed.  Not 15 minutes later though he climbed back in and slept for three hours!

It's nice to have that milestone under our belt, next up...potty training!

Last night I had a really funny conversation with Leyton that I NEED to document somewhere other than Facebook.  Leyton was in the office pointing to different days on our wall calendar and chattering to himself. It then went down like this:

Me: What are you doing?
Leyton: Picking out dates.
Me: Dates for what?
Leyton: Being naked.

All I can say is at least he is a planner!!!!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I'm a donor.

The first time I was ever introduced to the concept of full body donation was reading the book "Stiff."  I was a huge fan of Six Feet Under at the time and this book was on the show.  I remember being slightly creeped out and yet oddly fascinated by the book.

I have always been an organ donor.  If I could die and help someone else...why not?!  I didn't even think about the fact that there are options for full body donations.  I'm not sure why I hadn't.  I know medical students at times have to deal with a cadaver...I'm not exactly sure where I thought those bodies came from. I guess I was having a where do babies come from moment!

When I learned that both of my in laws were full body donors it made me admire them even more for two reasons.  One, they were giving all of themselves in their passing with the hope that they could help someone after their death.  Two, they were keeping the family from having the burden and cost of any funeral.

I've never been a fan of the funeral.  I've been to quite a few, both with and without viewings, and I just don't get it.  Especially for me, I have no desire to have a viewing.  I'd rather remember that person alive, not the made up version of them lying still in a box.  I'm also not super "religious" so maybe that is part of it.  I always figured I would just be cremated.  No burial of my body, no burial of my ashes.  If you want to have a gathering, have a party.  Celebrate my life, don't huddle around my body to mourn.  Again, to each their own so no criticism for those that choose a different path.

The family received a wonderful letter from UC Davis with regards to Bob's body donation.  They gave their appreciation and indicated that once the body is used it is cremated and the ashes are sprinkled in the ocean near San Francisco.  They have a memorial once a year hosted by the students for those families that would like to attend.  I just find this absolutely beautiful and have printed all my paperwork to finalize my own decision to donate my body.

The average cost of a simple cremation in $1500, a funeral/burial $10,000.  This is such a great option for someone that wishes to do neither and take some of that burden off the family after passing.  If this is something that interests you, I highly recommend you look into it.  Most UC systems offer this service, and if you are here local this is the link for the UC Davis program.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Back to life, back to reality

It's Monday and I finally feel like I'm getting back to me.

I woke up this morning, got ready (including makeup and hair) and even put a dress on.  I didn't feel sick when I woke up, I didn't feel exhausted and I didn't feel like crying.  Those were all signs of a turn around.

The passing of my father in law hit me hard, MUCH harder than I expected.  He's been sick for a while and we all "knew" this was coming but I have learned that does not mean that I was prepared for it.  I've struggled with they why of it all this past week.  I know some of it was me being sick and run down anyway so I just couldn't handle the extra hit.  He was a great man and I knew I would grieve for him, but I had no idea I would fight crying every day all day.  I really think that my husband reminds me so much of my father in law, so losing him was like losing a part of Bill and that became really hard to deal with.

There is also the Grandpa factor.  Leyton doesn't have one now.  That's such a terrible thing to write, because you see...my Dad is still alive.  If he read this it would probably hurt his feelings, but the truth of the matter is...my Dad really didn't know how to be a Dad and definitely doesn't know how to be a Grandpa.  It's hard to know that I have to keep Grandpa's memory alive for Leyton with only stories and pictures.  I wish he had more time with him.  I wish he got to go out in a canoe with him on a lake or go fishing with him. OK, let's move on from that now or I'll end up crying again.

This weekend we spent a lot of time out in Davis at the house going through things and trying to get stuff organized.  There is so much stuff in that house and it's going to take a long long time to get through it all.  I was having a hard time sorting through stuff and found myself emotionally tasked and confused after the first day.  I decided that the next day I would pick one project.  One thing that I could just completely focus on in the hopes that it would make it easier for me.  I chose to sort through the pictures.  There was an entire window bench about 5 feet in length that was FULL of pictures.

I got boxes for each of the kids and boxes for overall family pictures and got to sorting.  I sat in the middle of the picture nest and just starting dealing out pictures like I was playing a game of cards.

It took me three days, but I finished and now each family member has a box of memories to take home with them.  It was a great project really and a wonderful chance to finally see all the pictures and find gems like this.

It's pictures like this that I think make Instagram so fun, it gives us back the square picture.  I hope everyone enjoys their box of photos, I know I will look forward to the times when we take out the box to show Leyton all of the fun memories Bill had growing up.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Thank you...

When I married my husband I knew I was getting something so much more than just this one great man to spend the rest of my life with.  I knew I was getting a family.  A family that I loved as if I had been born into it.  A family that I truly felt blessed to be a part of.  A family that I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life and their life with.

Sadly, I have had to part with two of those lives in less than three months.  Bill's Mom passed away in December, which I wrote about on Pillsplace.  This weekend, we lost Bill's Father as well. 

Bob has not been healthy for some time, and as much comfort as I can take in the fact that he is not suffering anymore...I am heartbroken beyond belief.  I'm not even sure where to begin.

Over 15 years ago (I don't know the exact time it happened I just know it was prior to my husband and I getting together), my Father In Law had a heart transplant.  I remember learning that and thinking WOW.  It was like meeting a celebrity.  Something that I heard happened or had seen in a movie, but really couldn't imagine it taking place in real life.  Yet here he was, this man who was walking around with a heart that used to beat for someone else.  Crazy, but it made him special. 

On a camping trip I talked to Bob about his transplant.  Bob wasn't a super talkative outspoken man, but when you talked it was important.  He had great stories and could always put a smile on your face with some spectacular one liners.  He received his transplant after getting a virus in his heart.  I remember asking him if he knew anything about the donor and he said yes.  The donor's family did not stay anonymous and he had their information if he wanted to contact them.  I asked if he ever had and he said no.

At first I was taken aback.  How could he not?  So I bluntly said, "Haven't you felt like you should?" He wasn't upset that I asked him, I may not have been the first to think that.  He just calmly looked at me and said, "I thought about writing them a letter a million times.  I just couldn't ever do it.  How could I convince the family that just lost their daughter (if memory serves me right it was a young woman) that giving the heart to this old man was worth their sacrifice.  I had already lived a long full life, I'm afraid they would feel it was a waste."

It made sense.  Bob appreciated what he got so much but was too humble to feel he deserved it. 

Here is what I hope the donor could know. 

This man was a great great man.  This man married the woman that he loved his whole life and went on to have six children and spend almost 60 years with her.  He got the opportunity to see all of his children get married, all of his grandchildren born and most of them through college.  I cannot imagine a person that walks the earth who would not like and admire Bob and feel like a better person for having known him.  He would help out anyone that asked him.  He never spoke negative about anyone and was caring to his core.

Bob has had many close calls.  First with the heart, then in 2009 he underwent surgery to repair a nicked valve and there were moments we thought he might never recover.  He did, but had to have dialysis every day from that point on.  In 2012 we were told he had a mass in his lung and would not be with us for much longer.  Instead of throwing in the towel, Bob put up a fight.  You see, he had a wife at home with early Alzheimer's/Dementia and I truly believe he decided there was no way he was going to leave her alone.  He fought for her.  He fought for the love of his life.  Now, not three months after her passing, he is gone.  

Most heart transplant patients are told that they are lucky to have a 10 year shelf life on a heart.  Ten years is indication of a successful transplant.  Bob almost doubled that!  While Bob may have felt he was too old for this heart and not worthy, he got the most life he could possibly get out of the strong heart he was given.  Even gone, he keeps giving.  Bob is a whole body donor to science.  Even in his passing he has chosen to give all of himself to possibly help educate or further someone/somehow down the road.

I am so thankful to whoever owned that heart before Bob.  Without that heart I would never know him.  I would never have gotten a chance to see my son call him Grandpa and give him hugs and kisses.  I never would have been given the chance to see an older version of who I believe my husband is.

I love you and miss you Bob more than you can possibly imagine.  I lost a part of my own heart with your passing.  The part I have left though I will use to its full capacity so I know that you are watching me and I'm making you proud.  Thank you for everything you taught me over the years.