Thursday, May 30, 2013

Liberated

It's been less than 24 hours since I exposed myself for all to see and in the time since I have done that I haven't regretted it one bit.  When I hit "Publish" yesterday I had a moment of thinking, what the hell did I just do?!  So, I walked away from everything.  I put the phone down, turned off the computer and went to dinner.  I was proud of myself, but also in a way scared shit less.

After dinner I turned the phone back on and started reading the comments.  I sat in my car and started to cry.  I was completely overwhelmed in that moment.  I wasn't crying because I was sad.  I wasn't crying because I regretted what I did.  I was simply crying to just cleanse out the emotions.

Three and a half years ago (roughly) I was a woman that would make her husband sit in the waiting room while I got weighed in for my maternity appointments.  Once I was done I would go out and get him so he could sit in the appointment with me.  I was so afraid to have this man, who I knew loved me, know how much of me he actually loved.  Here we were, together for 11 years at that point, married and getting ready to have a child and I couldn't allow him to see how much I weighed.  I never told him why he had to sit out there and wait, just always said "I'll come get you in a minute."  I now understand the magnitude of what I was doing to myself there.

I've come a long way.  I'm not even talking weight loss here.  I'm talking more about my self confidence.  I know I want to get healthy, I know I want to make some changes, but if I stay exactly how I look right now I have come to realize....that is OK.  I'm so tired of beating myself up.  I'd rather spend the rest of my life celebrating what I can do and what I am at this very moment.  All of those things have nothing to do with how much weight I may carry around, how much cellulite I may have or how much my belly sticks out.

It started with telling people what I weigh.  That was the first stepping stone on this path.  Realizing that it was out there and that honestly, no one really gave a shit. Putting that picture out there was another stepping stone.

We all face and start challenges.  What I realized is no one wants to share their challenges until they have an after result.  It's fine to show yourself chubby in a bathing suit as long as you have the after picture right next to it of you looking different.  Why?  I think because we are all so afraid of failure.  What if I show everyone what I look like now and in x amount of time I don't look any different?  Yesterday I decided that I didn't want to care.  I didn't want to consider it a failure.  Instead I wanted to do this with all of you.  I've done shit alone a MILLION times over and didn't start becoming successful until I let people in.  Once I had people to share things with, had people to reach out to and was HONEST with those people I started seeing changes.

We all need to think about what makes us so afraid of being a failure.  Where does that come from and are we really a failure?  Maybe something doesn't work out because we are meant to go down a different path.  We chose one direction and guess what?  It was a dead end.  Instead of curling up in a ball and throwing a tantrum or hiding we need to just turn around and find a different direction to walk.

I don't know about you but I also had more fun doing labyrinths and mazes as a kid when I was with other people.  We'd meet a dead end, laugh and then turn around to run a different direction.

Thank you for running this maze with me.


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