It's been less than 24 hours since I exposed myself for all to see and in the time since I have done that I haven't regretted it one bit. When I hit "Publish" yesterday I had a moment of thinking, what the hell did I just do?! So, I walked away from everything. I put the phone down, turned off the computer and went to dinner. I was proud of myself, but also in a way scared shit less.
After dinner I turned the phone back on and started reading the comments. I sat in my car and started to cry. I was completely overwhelmed in that moment. I wasn't crying because I was sad. I wasn't crying because I regretted what I did. I was simply crying to just cleanse out the emotions.
Three and a half years ago (roughly) I was a woman that would make her husband sit in the waiting room while I got weighed in for my maternity appointments. Once I was done I would go out and get him so he could sit in the appointment with me. I was so afraid to have this man, who I knew loved me, know how much of me he actually loved. Here we were, together for 11 years at that point, married and getting ready to have a child and I couldn't allow him to see how much I weighed. I never told him why he had to sit out there and wait, just always said "I'll come get you in a minute." I now understand the magnitude of what I was doing to myself there.
I've come a long way. I'm not even talking weight loss here. I'm talking more about my self confidence. I know I want to get healthy, I know I want to make some changes, but if I stay exactly how I look right now I have come to realize....that is OK. I'm so tired of beating myself up. I'd rather spend the rest of my life celebrating what I can do and what I am at this very moment. All of those things have nothing to do with how much weight I may carry around, how much cellulite I may have or how much my belly sticks out.
It started with telling people what I weigh. That was the first stepping stone on this path. Realizing that it was out there and that honestly, no one really gave a shit. Putting that picture out there was another stepping stone.
We all face and start challenges. What I realized is no one wants to share their challenges until they have an after result. It's fine to show yourself chubby in a bathing suit as long as you have the after picture right next to it of you looking different. Why? I think because we are all so afraid of failure. What if I show everyone what I look like now and in x amount of time I don't look any different? Yesterday I decided that I didn't want to care. I didn't want to consider it a failure. Instead I wanted to do this with all of you. I've done shit alone a MILLION times over and didn't start becoming successful until I let people in. Once I had people to share things with, had people to reach out to and was HONEST with those people I started seeing changes.
We all need to think about what makes us so afraid of being a failure. Where does that come from and are we really a failure? Maybe something doesn't work out because we are meant to go down a different path. We chose one direction and guess what? It was a dead end. Instead of curling up in a ball and throwing a tantrum or hiding we need to just turn around and find a different direction to walk.
I don't know about you but I also had more fun doing labyrinths and mazes as a kid when I was with other people. We'd meet a dead end, laugh and then turn around to run a different direction.
Thank you for running this maze with me.