Thursday, April 18, 2013

Yesterday I got lost in the circus, feeling like such a mess....

For most of my life I have dealt with bouts of depression.  Just days, and sometimes longer, in which I feel really down in the dumps.  I'm a pretty laid back person, don't let a lot get to me, let stuff roll of my shoulders and stay positive.  At times that feels impossible.

I would say this got a bit worse when I had Leyton.  I definitely suffered some postpartum depression and some of that lingered.  I feel like when I do get sad now I get more sad than before.  Another thing I've noticed is that when I do get sad now, I cry.  I cry over EVERYTHING.  I cry and sometimes can't stop crying.  This is hard for me because I have never been a crier.  There's a part of me that thinks it is good to cry and maybe is helping me out, but at the same time the overwhelming urge to cry can suck at times.  I'll end the post on a funny note with more on crying.

I started to feel the darkness roll in this weekend.  Just an overall feeling of being down and things really getting to me.  I don't really have a specific way that I deal with this, just try to trudge on.  Try to pay attention to the little things in life that make me smile and make me happy and not focus on the bad.

Then Monday happened.  I don't want to talk about this a ton, but it hit me hard.  Disasters are something that I take pretty well, they happen and will continue to happen.  It could be natural, it could be terrorism.  Maybe it's negative to think that, I just am not sure they are something we are ever going to be able to stop.  The problem was two fold.  I was already down in the dumps and I lived in Boston.  I watched the marathon from a rooftop at the finish line.  It still in some way feels like a home even though I only lived there a short time.

So, I've been just trying to avoid all the news attention.  I really hate all the conspiracy theories that go along with it and the fear that the news likes to lace into stories.  I also can't stand some of the stuff I see on Facebook.  A man posted a picture of the finish line and a building exploding and wrote "Who is that on the roof?"  On the roof you could make out the silhouette of a person walking.  Really?  What is the reason for that?  Have you ever been during the Boston Marathon?  If so, did you not see the HUNDREDS of people standing and watching the event from the roof.  That is the kind of thing I can't stand.  Just give sympathy to the families and the victims of that event, don't try to create your own conspiracy tornado.

Moving on, the explosion in Waco was just overwhelming.  I eventually couldn't take anymore and had to put headphones in and listen to music to drown out the noise.

This year has been rough, and not just for me.  I feel like many in my circle are just surrounded by death and tragedy and illness.  I'm hoping the light starts shining bright soon because to be honest, it is becoming exhausting.

On a funny note!  See, I told you I'd lighten it up.  As I said before I'm not a cry baby, however when I had Leyton I got a little more teary eyed.  The thing is, it doesn't happen with sappy movies, it doesn't happen with sad songs, it doesn't happen with Hallmark commercials.  Want to know what it does happen with?  The thing that makes me well up each and every time.

Cheering crowds.

Yep, how's that for awkward.  I remember going to a Foo Fighters concert and the minute the lights went out and the crowd started to roar I stood there in the darkness trying not to cry.  You name it, baseball games, live events, etc, etc.  I'll be in the one in the corner trying not to cry like a baby.


(Title of blog post is from Colors by Amos Lee)

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