Today I met up with Scott to talk about the slippery slide that is my relationship with food. I sat and absorbed so much of what that man said and left feeling inspired and in a way, feeling good about myself. That is a huge part of all this, and I felt my eyes open to that. I'm an emotional eater, I know this. I get sad, I get nervous, I get stressed and I eat to feel better. Only I don't feel better, I feel worse. Then I eat to feel better again. For that moment I am eating it is a high, but the high is short lived and I just keep putting away the food to try to get more high. As I've said before, it's part of the addiction factor.
Then there is another aspect. I posted this photo on Instagram a couple days ago.
I had done some healthy shopping and made a healthy meal and was proud of it. It was delicious. I said this with my photo: "I know how to do this, why don't I do it all the time? #lifesgreatmystery #healthyeating"
Scott came back with this: "Healthy eating is a choice just as unhealthy eating is, same energy. One requires more self love and a higher value meter #progressnotperfection."
We talked more about this today, and here I am to tell you how true this is.
I don't love myself enough to eat healthy. Through the years I got so far off track from healthy that the shell that I am currently living in is who I think I am, and I don't love that shell at all. That shell is fat and to me that shell is ugly and not worthy of things. You see, you say these things to yourself enough..maybe not directly but that damn little voice in your head does and pretty soon it's not just the shell that you have damaged. You have damaged your soul. You have damaged your love for yourself.
That shell is not who I am though, it's just the outside. Sadly, beating myself up for what I look like on the outside has given me this skewed view that I'm not good enough/worthy enough. Inside I know there is so much good and it makes me cry just to write that. I have beaten up and damaged what is inside and I have to figure out to love myself again so I can fix it. If I can fix what is inside, then what is outside is going to follow right along.
Eating healthy is a choice, and I just need to love myself enough to do it.