Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Like mommy, like son.
Twenty minutes after this shot I wanted to kill him. Being a parent is crazy. I was so unprepared for the emotional roller coaster it would contain. I knew I would love my son like no other, what I wasn't prepared for were the times when I would want to kill him. Those times are frequent. Leyton isn't a difficult child and yet he is a difficult child. Then again, maybe that is just what a child is. It's why they have a phrase called The Terrible Twos.
He can be so loving, so polite, so friendly and then you turn on a dime and he is throwing rocks at the window and calling me Poopy. It is such a struggle for me because I feel like I'm always at a loss with how to deal with it. His Dad is much better at it, which is why he has taken over at bedtime. Bedtime was such a stressful thing for me and my anxiety level went down tremendously when I handed over the reins there.
Lately I have been struggling with my decision to have one child. I was an only child. I don't feel like I had less of anything or more of anything because of it, but I do remember the times when I wish I had a sibling to share things with. I see Leyton with friends or with his niece and nephew and I think, man I wish I could give Leyton a playmate. Then logic kicks in and I realize that having another child just to give your first child someone to play with really isn't a good enough reason.
Then I watch videos like this and I want to have 100 children.
This is something I would do as a child. Leyton's love of music is my favorite thing in the whole world. Listening to him sing along with the radio melts my heart. It is so amazing as a parent to see traits of yourself come out in your child and for me, it makes me want to have more. That seems odd, because it feels really self loving.
The thing is, I couldn't handle more. Ugh, that is the hardest thing I have ever written. I don't blame Leyton for that, he could be a super easy child (and maybe even is) and for me one may just be all that I can handle. I know that one is enough, but that doesn't mean at times I won't get sad. I will see families of two and three and wonder how they are able to handle it all and I am not. I get sad that I won't hold a tiny infant in my hands and smell that sweet and wonderful smell. I'm sure a lot of this just had to do with a biological clock that is ticking like mad in my body right now and brings out all these maternal desires. Here's to finding the snooze button or off button on that damn thing sooner than later!